


On Harry Potter and Pickup Lines; or, A Riddikulus Conversation

by Caedmon



Series: Doctor/Rose Prompts [31]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Ridiculousness, The Author Regrets Nothing, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, this is so silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-22 12:52:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7440070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caedmon/pseuds/Caedmon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Do you think anyone ever tries cheesy pickup lines in the Leaky Cauldron or the Three Broomsticks?”</i>
  <br/>
  <i>The Doctor puzzled over that for a second, and Rose went on, sitting up a bit and turning to look at him.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>“Like, wizards have to flirt with each other <i>somehow</i>, yeah? And they’re not so far removed from muggles that they wouldn’t try something like that. Don’t you think?”</i>
  <br/>
  <i>He gave her a lopsided grin. “What, you mean like, ‘Did you survive avada kedavra, because you’re drop-dead gorgeous’?”</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Rose giggled. “Yeah, kind of. Or ‘See this Weasley sweater? It’s made of boyfriend material’.”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	On Harry Potter and Pickup Lines; or, A Riddikulus Conversation

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the TimePetalsPrompts weekly prompt: _Ten x Rose - prompt: A battle of Harry Potter pick up lines_
> 
> Okay, I cheated a bit. I asked my fangirl facebook group to help me come up with Harry Potter pickup lines, and they supplied me with most of these. (Yes, it's _that_ kind of group.) So special thanks to crazygirlne, mountaingirlheidi, Julie, Jessie and Brandi! And double thanks to mountaingirlheidi for the quick beta!
> 
> ~I own nothing. Not Doctor Who, not Harry Potter.  
> ~Kudos and comments feed the muse. Thank you so much for them!  
> ~come talk to me! caedmonfaith.tumblr.com
> 
> This is so silly, and full of innuendo. Enjoy!

The Doctor and Rose sat on the couch in the library, the lights low, a film on the screen before them. A large bowl of popcorn sat on the Doctor’s lap, and Rose was curled into him, comfortably snuggled under her pink blanket. Their hands brushed each other occasionally as they reached for snacks: Rose didn’t seem affected by the touch, but the Doctor certainly was. He’d finally grown somewhat accustomed to the familiar feeling of Rose snuggled into his side, although the thrill of that never went away. 

No, the accidental brushes of hands were what was causing him such pleasurable distress today. Every time skin touched skin, he felt a galloping in his chest that had nothing to do with the excitement of the movie, only the excitement of being with the woman he loved watching a movie that both of them enjoyed. 

Rose reached into the popcorn bowl (and the Doctor totally did _not_ reach for popcorn at the same time on purpose), then tossed the fluffy kernels into her mouth. She stared at the screen thoughtfully for a moment. 

“Do you think anyone ever tries cheesy pickup lines in the Leaky Cauldron or the Three Broomsticks?”

The Doctor puzzled over that for a second, and Rose went on, sitting up a bit and turning to look at him.

“Like, wizards have to flirt with each other _somehow_ , yeah? And they’re not so far removed from muggles that they wouldn’t try something like that. Don’t you think?”

He gave her a lopsided grin. “What, you mean like, ‘Did you survive avada kedavra, because you’re drop-dead gorgeous’?”

Rose giggled. “Yeah, kind of. Or ‘See this Weasley sweater? It’s made of boyfriend material’.”

“Yes, I could certainly see Fred or George using that line,” the Doctor laughed. 

“What other lines might they use, do you think?”

The Doctor thought for a second. This could go several ways. It could be two mates giggling at an absurd idea. He could say something repulsive and turn her off. 

Or…

“How about ‘Are you using the confundus charm, or are you naturally mind-blowing?’.”

She laughed. “Or, ‘You got any wizard in you? Want some?’”

_Oooh, she’s going to play that way._ The Doctor bit back his own giggle. 

“‘I’ll huffle your puff’,” he suggested. 

Rose raised an eyebrow. “Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

The Doctor waggled his eyebrows. “Wanna whomp my willow?”

“My name’s not Luna, but I know how to Lovegood.”

He laughed. “I must have had some felix felicis, because I think I’m about to get lucky.”

Rose giggled, covering her mouth with her hands. Forget wizards; the Doctor was completely enchanted by her.

“How about, ‘You sure you’re a muggle? Because that arse is magical, Doctor’.”

His eyes widened a bit, even as she smiled somewhat cheekily. She’d made it personal. This was a dangerous game they were playing, but he was powerless to resist.

“Is that the Mirror of Erised in your pocket? Because I can see all of my desires in your pants.”

Rose looked down to the skimpy pajama shorts she was wearing, and the Doctor made a point of looking, too. 

“Is there a boggart in your pants? Because that bum is riddikulus,” she lobbed at him. 

“Ever heard of Platform 9 and ¾? Because I know of something you can get on that has those precise measurements.” 

Rose’s eyebrows flew to her hairline, and she looked shocked but pleased. _Nice one, Doctor,_ he congratulated himself. 

“After tonight, Myrtle won’t be the only one moaning,” she shot back. 

It was his turn for eyebrows to disappear under fringe. And was it him, or had her voice just gotten very... sultry, when she said that?

Right. Two could play at that game. He leaned forward a bit, moving towards her with almost predatory grace. “You’re like a bottle of skele-gro, Rose... growing a bone over here.” And it was true, but thankfully the popcorn hid the evidence of what this little game was doing to him.

Rose leaned towards him as well, and she was getting very, very close. The Doctor felt hot, and she hadn’t even delivered her next line yet. 

“I don’t need accio to make you come, Doctor.”

Time for the big guns. The dirtiest thing he could think of. “Oh, Rose Tyler, you’re gonna need a remembrall. Because I’m going to make you come so many times you forget your name.”

“Is that so?”

The Doctor stood on the precipice of something. He could pull back, laugh, say it had all been in good fun, or he could…

“That’s so.”

She looked at him, her eyes darting all over his face. The silence felt interminable, and the Doctor quickly tried to think of a way to backtrack. Say it had all been a game. He was just teasing. Anything to keep her from getting disgusted by the attentions of a randy old -

Her smile turned challenging. “Prove it.”

The Doctor tossed the popcorn bowl to the side, sending the contents flying like salty fireworks, and pinned a giggling Rose Tyler to the couch below him, his face hovering just inches above hers. Her smile was still there, and he was overwhelmingly relieved to feel her hands slip around his shoulders as if to keep him close, her fingers playing with the short strands of hair just above his neck. 

He brought his face down a little and nudged her nose with his, not missing how she arched towards him a bit, her mouth seeking his. 

“Mind if I Slytherin to your Chamber of Secrets, Rose?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

_Good enough._ He claimed her mouth with his own. 

~*~O~*~

Hours later, they lay on the couch, cuddled under Rose’s pink blanket. Clothes littered the floor around them, and the Doctor was amused to see her bra lying half-on and half-off the coffee table. The movie had ended ages ago, and at some point the TARDIS had turned the telly off. The only light in the room was coming from the fireplace, which burned merrily in its grate.

“We should have done that ages ago,” Rose commented. 

“Hmm,” he agreed. “We should have. Why didn’t we?”

“I wanted to. It’s all your fault we didn’t.”

“How was I supposed to know you wanted to?”

She shrugged against him, then rubbed her hand in a circle over his manly, hairy chest. “You’re the genius. You couldn’t figure it out?”

He hadn’t figured it out, nothing like it, but he wasn’t about to admit it. Instead he just chuckled. 

Rose sighed contently. “That was lovely, Doctor.”

“Lovely!?” he cried in mock outrage. “I think that was quite a bit better than ‘lovely’, Rose Tyler. I made you scream like a mandrake.”

She giggled, and snuggled further into the crook of his arm. “That you did, Doctor. That you did.”

He nuzzled his nose into her ear and murmured. “Wanna do it again?”

Rose shivered, and he could hear the smile in his voice. “You just want me to ride on your broomstick, you randy old sod.”

Actually, that seemed like the best idea he’d ever heard.


End file.
